In last few days I felt better, for real… Is it because I quit being an author on SJ fanpage? Maybe. Being an author is connected with a lot of pressure, and pressure=stress. Now I’m less stressed, I can relax more, and thank of this I feel better phisically. I also started taking pills with magnesium & vitamin B6. Because it’s said that magnesium helpes, when you’re stressed, I think that I feel better thank to it too. I’m trying to pay less attention on things that can make me angry. I now very well, that I have to stay calm, because always, if I’m letting my anger get out, after that, my body is taking a revenge on my, giving me pains everywhere: in my head, near the heart, on the back, hands, legs… It can be irritating. From a long time I haven’t any attack. It’s a very good news, I guess.
Few days ago, I cried hard, after an arguing with my mom. After my tears left my eyes, I felt like a huge stone fall down from my back. I feel washed from all the sad things that I kept inside me.
You must know, that normally, even when I’m very sad and hurt, I’m not crying. I just can’t, even if I want to. Tears just don’t want to fall from my eyes. And because of this, I feel even more sad, not able to throw out my sadness with tears. It’s horrible. I’m introvertic, but it has never been a problem for me, since now. Nowadays, I wanna express my feelings more, I want to cry, when I need to.
Maybe I should write again? When I was writting poems and stories, I felt kinda better. But how can I do this, if I don’t have any vein?
Ah, one thing I know for sure, is that I have to do something with me.
Did you, healthy people, even thought about ‘how is it to be a prisoner of your own fears?’. Why am I asking this? Cause neurosis is something like this. Your fears are taking over your body, making you feel worse with every day… You’re feeling pains, heat, fear, and you can’t went through it. Because you’re afraid, the pain comes, and when the pain comes, you are even more scared. It’s like a circle, goes round and round. And you’re closed inside without any chance to escape from here by your own.
It’s like an illnes of your soul. One traumatic thing happen in your life, and you became a prisoner, locked inside your fears. It can lock you quickily, but it won’t let you go so easily. You’ll have to fight so hard to heal yourself, and you don’t have any guarantee, that it’ll happen. You can lose easily by commiting a suicide. When you’ll be doing it, you can think it’s the only way to set you free from that prison. But for real, you’ll lose your fight with neurosis.
So, you have to fight, find a strength in yourself, and belive in Gods help. It’s important to belive in Him. To belive in something. It could be really helpful during your fight.
This is what I think about neurosis, and I hope, that it’s true. Because I really want to win with it. I won’t lose.
And it happend again… Strong attack of neurosis. Late, at night, I was sitting on the computer and the dizziness started. When I went to bathroom, my legs started to shake, and when I was in bed, trying to fall asleep, it become stronger. My whole body was shaking so badly… Ah, something horrible 😦 It was taking so long that I thought it wouldn’t end. And it was unstopable. Shaking, shaking, shaking… Damn it
I was afraid all the time, couldn’t sleep, and after the attack I felt so tired… And even if it ended, I can’t sleep now. It’s totally crazy. I hate it, and I know, that I have to go to doctor. I think I’ll do it this week, cause I can’t stand those attacks anymore. It have to end forever or become weaker, much weaker. I hope that I’ll find someone who will be able to help me.
As you already know, I had and I still have a lot of stress in my life, I guess like many people, right? Do you sometimes have thoughts like this: ‘my head will blow up’, ‘I can’t take it anymore’, ‘it’s too fast’? I have it mostly in my head. Because I’m the only author on Super Junior fanpage, who doesn’t learn, but work, I’m doing most of posts on this fanpage now. Other authors have exam now, and I’m alone. And even if I love to leading this fanpage, sometimes I think, that I can’t lead it alone. I wanna cry, when I have too much posts to add. But then I think, that I’m the only one there, for now, and I have to do it, cause who will? I feel a big pressure, cause I want to do it fast and good. It’s hard and stressful, but at the end, when I finally end it, I’m proud of myself. It makes me really happy 😀
Since a long time I’m thinking about changing my job. Currently I’m working in a restaurant, in ‘2 days work/2 days free’ system, and I’m not satisfied. For the hard work, which I made, they pay me such a low salary… That’s why tommorow, in my first from two free days, I’m going to a job interview, at 1 PM. I hope that it would be successful, cause I can’t stand the way, which they’re treating me in my current job. I’m really stressed because of the interview, but I wanna think positive. I should think like that, right? So wish me luck 😀
My name is Kasia, in English Kate, in 16th May this year I’ll have 22 years old. I’m living in Poland, but I write in English, cause I wanna share my thoughts with people from all of the world. Mostly I’ll write about my neurosis, because I have to tell about it someone. I doesn’t care if anyone will read it. I just have to throw it out.
How long I have neurosis? I don’t know clearly, when it started, but surely it was before I went to high school, after a surgery, which I had. After the surgery I started to have oppression and pains in chest, from time to time, and I think that there were the first syndromes. Then went the dizziness, trembling and fear. I started to search some info few months ago, when I my attack was really long. Then I found out that all those syndromes fits the neurosis. But I’m still afraid to go to doctor. I’ve got a weak herbal medicine, but now I put it away. I now, it’s stupid, but I don’t want to think, that I’m sick.
Why I have neurosis? My life wasn’t happy. During almost 18 years of my life my father was drinking alcohol, smoking and from my family life he made a hell. When I was in the last class of high school, teacher helped our mother, and after the trial, my father was forced to go to the theraphy. Now it’s a little bit better, but since curator stopped controling us, father’s still behaving like before, but without alcohol. So, it doesn’t suprise me, that I can have a neurosis.
Two months ago I got really hard attack, I got scared so much. And today, it happend again. It wasn’t so bad, like before, but I still hated it.
Why it happend to me? 😦